ചിതറിയ ചിന്തകൾ / Ideastreet

2021-11-30

“How do you write about love when you have never been in love?” I ask him today. This was long due, I have been wanting to ask him this ever since I started reading him.

He smiles, then replies, “There is nothing much to it… It’s just like everything else. May be even easier.”

I look at him perplexed. All around people have been telling me about love – how it is black and white the same time, how it is sweet and sour the same time & I could never understand how one thing could be something & it’s exact opposite at the same time. Are they mistaken? Or is it because he has never been in love?. I look at him praying for answers, an explanation.So,

He continues, “You know, Love is not something you can explain. It changes with people. It’s different for you, different for me. So for some, love could be as simple as having a meal together,deep conversations, warm hugs & passionate kisses, for some love could be about respecting each other’s boundaries, knowing when and not to barge in, for some it could be grand gestures or sweet words, or for some it could be sacrifices, giving up and forgiveness. Again for some people, It could be all this. We could argue that this is not the right way, we could argue it’s not love.But in the end, who knows. We all like to and believe ours is the right way.

So if you are moved, brought to tears about what I write about love, have you ever thought it could be simply because we believe love to be something similar, it’s just that our definitions, yours and mine, match. Or else , it could be something we both expect of love, someday, when it comes.And for the record, if love could be anything, …ah..As love could be anything, I have been in love too. I might still be. Do I really have to let the other person know to be in love?. Couldn’t I just start and end love on my own?And does it even have to be a person?.”

He laughs again and this time, I melt into his infectious laughter. May be, today…. now…yet another love story had begun. Listening to him I feel like I have fallen in love – a love that started on it’s own, a love so new that nobody have ever wrote about it. May be I will one day, or may be….may be he will.

Annuz English 0 1 min read

2021-11-27

This is inspired from the kdrama ‘The Devil Judge’. I fell in love with the ost and wanted to write.

Annuz English 0 51 sec read

2021-11-19

People

People are selfish by nature. You, me, everyone. We say we don’t harm people intentionally. May be we don’t physically. But emotionally, we do much damage than we take credit for. The echoes of the hurt we once received resonates, magnifies and then hits people close to us – people who have nothing to do with our pain or our past. We find solace in the worst possible way and we hurt more. The wound keeps getting bigger and bigger. At times, I feel sorry. I feel sorry for you, me and everyone. I feel sorry for us. We are such pitiful creatures.

Annuz English 0 27 sec read

2021-11-15

Poetry and You

I was at the far corner of the room, taking the last sip from my glass of cold beer, when your eyes met mine. And from those eyes, I could read, except for the black veil bride’s ” We don’t belong’, there was nothing in the room we both could relate to. I smile and you smile back and slowly you walk towards me and say “Hello”. And that was the beginning of You, Me and may be a future ‘We’.You loved poets and poetry and I loved that twinkle in your eyes when you talked about them. You then told me ‘Nothing comes out of nothing’ and that poetry would never be good enough until one shed some part of them into it. You showed me your poems. You showed me ‘You’. I knew you were broken, just like me and I liked it. May be because I always imagined how somebody would glue up all my broken pieces together and fill my fissures with a fragment of their soul. And I wanted to do that for you. I wanted to fix you. But you left, leaving behind the poetry you loved so much. Now I write poetry on how I miss you and I make them with the most scarred peel of my skin. I make them with ‘You’.

Annuz English 0 58 sec read

2021-11-15

CEC – ഒരു കോളേജാർമ്മ

മുണ്ടക്കയത്ത് നിന്ന് ചെങ്ങന്നൂരിലേക്ക് ഉപരിപഠനത്തിനു വണ്ടി കയറുമ്പോൾ പ്രത്യേകിച്ച് ഒരു വികാരവുമുണ്ടായിരുന്നില്ല. കിട്ടി, കിട്ടീല്ല എന്ന തരത്തിൽ കൈവിട്ട് പോയ RIT ഉം , ചെങ്ങന്നൂരിലാണ് പഠിക്കാൻ പോകുന്നത് എന്ന് പറയുമ്പോൾ “അയ്യോ..അതെന്താ അമൽ ജ്യോതിയിൽ ചേരാഞ്ഞേ എന്ന നാട്ടുകാരുടെ ചോദ്യവും മനസ്സിനെ വല്ലാതെ അലട്ടികൊണ്ടിരുന്നു. ആകാശത്തിലൂടെ തൂക്കുപാലവും, കൈകൊടുക്കുന്ന റോബോട്ടുമുള്ള എന്റെ സ്വപ്നങ്ങളിലെ എഞ്ചിനീയറിംഗ് കോളേജുകളിൽ നിന്ന് CEC ഏറെ വിഭിന്നമായിരുന്നു. പ്രവേശന കവാടത്തിൽ നിന്ന് അധികം അകലെയല്ലാതെ തലയുയർത്തി നിൽക്കുന്ന ആ വൻ മരമല്ലാതെ കോളേജിൽ എല്ലാം ചെറുതാണ്. ചെറിയ ക്യാംമ്പസ്, ചെറിയ ഗ്രൗണ്ട്, വെറും സാധാരണക്കാരായ മനുഷ്യർ.
ജീവിതത്തിൽ ചേർത്ത് പിടിക്കാൻ പാകത്തിന് ഒരു പിടി ഓർമ്മകൾ സമ്മാനിക്കാൻ വല്യ സെറ്റപ്പോ, മനം മയക്കുന്ന ബാഹ്യ മോടികളോ വേണ്ട എന്നതാണ് CEC എന്നെ പഠിപ്പിച്ച ആദ്യ പാഠം. ഓഡിയറ്റോറിയത്തിനും MHനും മുന്നിൽ നിരന്ന് നിന്ന് ജൂനിയേഴ്സിനെ പിടിക്കുന്ന സീനിയർസ്, കമന്റടി , ചെണ്ട കൊട്ടും ആർപ്പുവിളികൾക്കപ്പുറം പൂക്കളത്തിന്റെ ഉത്ഭവും, മാവേലിയുടെ കുടുംബ ചരിത്രം വരെ ചോദിച്ചും, പഠിപ്പിച്ചു തന്ന ഓണവും, LKG ൽ തവളചാട്ടത്തിന് ഒന്നാം സമ്മാനം കിട്ടിയവനെ കൊണ്ട് ഹൈ ജമ്പും, ലോങ്ങ് ജമ്പും, ഒന്നു പറ്റിയില്ലെങ്കിൽ മാർച്ച്‌ പാസ്റ്റിന് വെള്ളം എടുത്ത് കൊടുക്കാനെങ്കിലും നിർത്തിയിരുന്ന സ്പോർട്സും, ബാത്ത്‌റൂമിൽ മൂളിപാട്ട് പാടിയിരുന്നവരെ വരെ സ്റ്റേജിൽ എത്തിച്ച ഫസ്റ്റ് ഇയർ ആർട്‌സും..പറയാൻ ഒരു ഒരുപാടാണ്. പക്ഷേ എല്ലാറ്റിനുപരിയായി, ഒടുവിൽ തോളിൽ തട്ടി ,”നന്നായിരുന്നു കേട്ടോ!!” എന്ന് പറയാൻ മടിക്കാത്ത ചേട്ടൻമാരും ചേച്ചിമാരും ചേർന്നതായിരുന്നു CEC.
സെക്കന്റ് ഇയർ മുതൽ ആരാധനപാത്രമായ സീനിയർസിനെ ഒരല്പ്പം പോലും തെറ്റാതെ ഒപ്പിയെടുത്തുള്ള ഒരു തനിയാവർത്തന കളരിയാണ്.
കൊറിഡോറിലും, സ്റ്റെപ്പുകളിലും ഇരുന്നുള്ള സൊറപറച്ചിൽ, ക്യാന്റീൻ, സപ്ലി എഴുതാൻ വന്ന ചുവന്ന കണ്ണാടിയുള്ള ചേട്ടൻ മുതൽ, പുല്ല് വെട്ടാൻ വരുന്ന ചേട്ടനെയും ചേച്ചിയെയും വരെ ചേർത്തുള്ള കളിയാക്കൽ പരമ്പര, തേച്ചാലും തൂത്താലും മായാത്ത ഇരട്ടപേരുകൾ, പ്രേമം എന്ന് തെറ്റിദ്ധരിക്കപ്പെടുന്ന ആൺ-പെൺ സൗഹൃദങ്ങൾ, ഇതു തമ്മിൽ നേർത്ത അതിർവരമ്പ് മാത്രമുള്ള സൗഹൃദങ്ങൾ, രഹസ്യവും പരസ്യവുമായ സ്നേഹബന്ധങ്ങൾ, ഒരു മര്യാദയുമില്ലാതെ കയ്യിട്ട് വാരുന്ന ഉച്ചയൂണ് സമയങ്ങൾ,അയലത്തെ വീട്ടിലേ പട്ടിയുടെ പ്രസവത്തിന്റെ പേരും പറഞ്ഞ് ചിലവ് വാങ്ങൽ, വാലിന് തീ പിടിച്ച പോലെ ഓടിനടന്ന് പഠിച്ച്ഒ സീരിയസ് എക്സാമും, ലാബും, പ്രൊജക്റ്റ് ഹവറിലെ ലൂഡോ മാരത്തൺ, കണ്ടവന്റെ കോഡും, ആർക്കും പിടികൊടുക്കാത്ത വിധമുള്ള ബ്രില്ല്യന്റ് പ്രസന്റേഷൻ പ്ലാനിംഗും,കോളേജ് ഡേ, ഡ്രസ്സ്‌ കോഡ്, സ്ലോട്ട്, എന്റട്രി എന്നിങ്ങനെ എണ്ണിയാൽ ഒടുങ്ങാത്ത ഒരു നൂറായിരം കാര്യങ്ങളായിരുന്നു CEC. ഒരു പക്ഷെ അതാവാം, എവിടെ പോയാലും എന്തോ കുറവുള്ളതായി തോന്നുന്നത്. അതാവാം, എന്നെ പോലെ പലരും പിന്നെയും പിന്നെയും ഇവിടേക്ക് തിരിച്ചുവരുന്നത്. ഒരിക്കലും മറക്കരുത്‌ എന്നാഗ്രഹിക്കുന്ന ചിലത് ഓർത്തെടുക്കാനാണ്, ആ ചിരികളും ചിന്തകളും വീണ്ടെടുക്കാനാണ്, ഫോട്ടോകളും കാട്ടികൂട്ടിയ കോപ്രായങ്ങളുടെ വിഡിയോയും ഹാഷ്ടാഗുകളിട്ടും, മേജർ മിസ്സീംഗ് എന്ന് സ്റ്റാറ്റസ് ഇട്ടും ഷെയർ ചെയ്തു ഞങ്ങൾ നിർവൃതിയടയുന്നത്. അതെ CEC, നീ ചെറുതാണെങ്കിലും, ഇടയ്ക്ക് ടാപ്പിലും ടൊയ്ലറ്റിലും വെള്ളം ഇല്ലെങ്കിലും, തേക്കിന്റെ ഡസ്റ്റ് ബിൻ ഇല്ലെങ്കിലും , “We Still Love You”.

എന്ന്
തിരിച്ചുകിട്ടാത്ത ആ കാലത്തെ ഓർത്ത് കണ്ണീരൊഴുക്കുന്ന ഒരു പൂർവ്വവിദ്യാർത്ഥി

Annuz Short 0 3 sec read

2021-11-11

To Room Nineteen – Doris Lessing

In a recent conversation with a male friend he asked, “If you are planning to get married at some point of life, why does it matter if you get married at 22 or 25?”. Well.. I don’t know what changes for a man. But brought up in a patriarchal society, I have always felt many things change for a women. And this is not an old story, it still is the case for many women. So when people say getting married at the age of 22 is a choice, I feel it is a conditioned one because of how we were brought up.

You might wonder why I am bringing this up now? Like, What is the connection?. The book is about a women who feels like she has lost herself in the process, in the responsibilities that strung along after her marriage. She wishes to be alone, totally alone, where none could find her or disrupt her peace. As a solution, her husband prepares for her a room in their big riverside apartment where she is not to be disturbed but soon that space too is invaded by her four children and maid just like another room. She realizes she is never really free from the accountability as a wife, a mother, a employer or as the mistress of the house. So she rents herself a room in a cheap hotel in the town, Room no : 19, where she spends the day doing nothing, sitting in her armchair taking in the emptiness flowing through her veins. She regains her identity in a cheap dark room rented under a false name having no past or future. She is no longer bound by the labels of a wife, mother, employer or a mistress. She is finally her.

Me at 18 or 20 would have never related to this women or her room number nineteen. Nor would I understand the feeling of going somewhere far and alone, where none would find me. I also doubt if the girl in me then would be able to sympathize with the women’s difficulty to put all her feelings into words or justify her restlessness on being found . But the woman in me at 24 can. I could understand how some things are easy unsaid, how some things could not make sense to others, and how all of us need a Room nineteen at times – a place you don’t want to be seen or discovered, a place totally yours.

I have seen women proudly taking up labels, being addressed as somebody’s somebody and I have always dreaded it. I feel scared as If I am giving up some part of me to be somebody else when I am whole as such. And being a person scared of losing her identity, this book for me was pretty disturbing and sad. At the same time, I felt comforted by the fact that it is okay wanting to be alone at times, to feel empty at times. I also learnt that somethings are better handled and interpreted with the heart. So if you are a woman, you just like me won’t be able to finish it without your chest feeling tight, but I will still ask you to read it. You will feel like something closing in on you but would still like it. I heard about it in the Korean drama ‘This is my first life’ and I am glad I decided to read this one. This was a wonderful read, a memorable one. Happy Reading

Annuz Book Reviews 0 2 min read

2021-10-23

The God Of Small Things – Arundhati Roy

If you ask me what this book is about, I really don’t have a definite answer. Arundhati Roy’s ‘ The God Of Small Things’ is about many things – love, pain, joy, madness, jealousy, hierarchy, human intent and nature. This book is about the fine line between all of this.

If you ask me whose story this is, I still don’t have an answer. The story is about Ammu and Velutha. The story is equally about Rahel and Estha. Then again, It could also be called Sophiemol’s, Chacko’ s, Margaret Kochamma’s, Baby Kochamma’s or Mammachi’s. It could also be called the story of a place, the story of a time or the story of history repeating itself then and now.

One thing I can tell you about this is – It’s absolutely beautiful. There are spaces in this book where you would leave your heart and never take it back. You would find yourself filling the voids in your heart with Arundhati Roy’s words. You find yourself lost in the Heart of Darkness with the two egg twins, a sad-eyed women with deep dimples and a man with an autumn leaf at his back that made the monsoons come on time. You find beauty, feel pain, love, joy, tenderness or madness in each sentence and they stay.

Overall, this was an amazing reading experience. If you are somebody who gave up on this book when you were younger, I say, give it a second chance. And if you haven’t read it yet, read it. It’s beautiful.

“The God of Loss, The God of Small Things . He left no footprints in the sand, no ripples in water, no image in mirrors.” – This is my favorite sentence in the book and it still haunts me.

Annuz Book Reviews 0 1 min read

2021-09-10

A Thousand Splendid Suns – Khaled Hosseini

All through the book , “A Thousand Splendid Suns“, I kept going back to a so- called healthy discussion I had with somebody recently. I shared a post saying “Women suffer more in a war created by men” or something along the line( Context: Taliban taking over Afghanistan) and he was worried or even offended ( can’t account to what he was feeling at that moment) by how people would misunderstand all men and how not all men is not responsible for war. He also said -after all, it was men going to the war and getting killed, and isn’t death the ultimate pain of all?. After finishing the book, I can’t help but wonder is death the worst of all?.

It could be for some. But after reading Mariam and Laila, after living their life through Khaled Hosseini’s words, I can assure you, you won’t be able to say that without a hint of doubt. I was thrown into a dilemma, unable to choose the worst of it all. Is it your trust getting broken at the young age of 15 by your father whom you idolized, Is it losing your loved ones in a day, in the blink of an eye to bad decisions, bombings, Is it the guilt of living on, the guilt of not understanding their pain and sacrifices when they where alive, Is it being married to a man you barely know, thrice your age and being send off to a far off place where you know no one, is it the feeling of longing or the unsaid goodbyes to people you cherish the most, is it the helplessness when your husband force himself on you in the dead of the night, is it the distress you feel in your husband’s restlessness, his displeasure for not giving him a baby, Is it the endless beatings, the kicks, the jabs or the murder threats, Is it the unfamiliar scent, the alien feeling to a place, to a city you once called home, Is it the lost freedom you once enjoyed, when you could roam around looking at the blue skies without the company of a man, Is it sound of overhead missiles, muffled cries and gunshots, or people stripped, raped or brutally murdered, Is it the shame, the hopelessness, the hunger, the fear or the feeling of being lost, unwanted and unloved. I wonder what was the worst to Mariam and Laila.

The book is not just about the war, the sufferings or pain, it’s about two women finding a sense of peace, finding love and warmth in each other, finding happiness in cups of chai at nights in the front yard, It’s about sacrifices, wishing the best for each other and may be even finding the value in themselves in times of perils unimaginable.

Today, I shudder at the shallowness of the words “I feel you”. All I can account for is the feeling of unrest that I felt after reading. All I can think of is the years of waiting, the sacrifices, the war against themselves and others, the rough thorny path they had to walk for the freedom they naturally deserved. And the thought that now it is being taken away from them again -their freedom, their education, everything they have worked all their life haunts me.

For me, this book will remain one of the best reads. I listened to it in storytel. Do read or listen when you have time, Thank you :D.

Sharing a quote:

Annuz Book Reviews 0 2 min read

2021-09-04

Heaven – Mieko Kawakami

I have always been amazed by the way some Asian writers craft their character and storyline. The best part is, it is never just about the stories or people but equally about the character’s emotions, their feelings at a particular moment. The level of detailing is so good that you feel like you are in that person’s head all through out the story.

Mieko Kawakami’s Heaven is written in the point of view of a fourteen year old boy who is brutally bullied at his school for his lazy eyes. There is not a single time he is free from the fear yet he chooses to suffer in silence. His life is shed some light when he start exchanging notes with a fellow classmate Kojima who is going through a similar situation and they end up being each other’s safe place and solace. They become comrades through the shared pain. The novel revolves around the duo struggling to make sense of their sufferings, their warm notes and endless talks, philosophies and justifications regarding power and weakness both from the perpetrators and the victims perspective. There are points where you are weighted down by the cruelty and reality but there are also points where it warms you with certain people and words.

The novel gives you no answers, but leaves you with a lot of questions and thoughts to linger on and debate. It is totally up to the reader to choose the philosophy to rely on. Either way, this is an amazing read. I personally loved the writing style and the flow. I left with a heavy heart, I wonder what it leaves you with?.

Note : I listened to it in storytel.

Annuz Book Reviews 0 1 min read

2021-08-29

അമ്മ

അമ്മയ്ക്കെന്നും ഒരോ മണമാണ്.
ചില ദിവസങ്ങളിൽ പിന്നാമ്പുറത്തെ കമ്പോസ്റ്റ് കുഴിയുടെ,
ചില ദിവസങ്ങളിൽ കറി വയ്ക്കാൻ വെട്ടിയ മീനിൻ്റെ,
ചില ദിവസങ്ങളിൽ ചക്കവൈനിൻ്റെ.
ഒന്നാഞ്ഞ് വലിച്ചിട്ട്,
ചിലരതിന് സ്നേഹമെന്ന്
പേരിട്ടു,
അമ്മ ദൈവമാണ്, ത്യാഗമാണ്
എന്ന് ഇടയ്ക്കിടെ
ഓർമ്മപ്പെടുത്തി.
അങ്ങനെ
കാലങ്ങളായി അമ്മ
ചുമക്കുന്ന വിഴുപ്പിൻ്റെ
ഗന്ധം
സുഗന്ധമായി
ആ മണം പേറി
അമ്മ ഇന്നും നടക്കുന്നു.
അലങ്കാരമോ അപമാനമോ എന്ന്
പിടിയില്ലാതെ.

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